The Life.

I lost a best friend that I love so much. Without knowing where I went wrong, what did I do to her to make she hates me and treats me like an enemy. Can't she atleast tell me what did I do? Did I hurt her or something?


It's not fair not knowing what you did wrong because it hurts more. And losing a best friend whom I love so much, hurts more than breaking up.

 

I barely walk. I feel like crying all the time. I still hope that it's just a dream. But it's more like an endless nightmare because it keeps going on everyday. Then I realize that it wasn't a dream. It's true. I lost her. I lost part of me. She's like my other half. 

I still can't accept the truth that she did this to me. What did I do? Don't she knows me well? We've been best friend for 4 years but.... She doesn't trust me. People said we were twins. We look almost the same and we were very close! But she doesn't know me well like she said she was.  

She's always there when I needed her the most. We've been through ups and downs. She's always there. She even risked her life for me. We were like sisters. 

WHAT DID I DO?!!!

If it's my fault, I'll accept it and I will go away from your life forever. Why can't you ask me? Why do you have to listen to others? Why do you have to trust your boyfriend more? Don't you remember who matchmake you with your boyfriend? 

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN OUR FRIENDSHIP 

FOR NO REASON AT ALL?!

  
I'm still clueless about what's going on. It happens suddenly. That's why I'm so clueless and keep wondering what did I do wrong?

If she really is my best friend, she would call me and ask me. But no. I'm going through a really tough time. I need her. But she leaves me alone.

It all happened after our friendship necklace is broken. The one with her. It was a sign that our friendship will end.

I wonder how long will it last. How long can she hates me?  

Back

I'm back.. So many things has changed since I last updated. Of course. It has been almost 1 year. I'm in new relationship. And he's perfect. He made me feels like I'm living in a fairytale. After everything that I've been thru.. The pain, the hard time, the past.

The break up part is hard with my previous ex. He wouldn't let me go that easy. He kept haunting me. He even came to my college to embarrass me. That's the last time I forgive him. Of course I didn't forgive him for embarrassing me in front of my classmates. But that's the last terrible thing that happened after 1 year and 3 months.

He kept bothering, kept coming to my house, kept calling, kept talking bad about me. He blamed me. He said I played him. Go die! I wrote what he did in this blog. But it was only 20% of what he did. He torture me EVERYDAY from the first I fell in love with him. And I'm sure it wasn't love. It wasn't me back then. How can I love someone who hits me everyday. It wasn't love. I'm sure he used some kind of black magic to make people love him. 

But the past is haunting me right now. My life is full with regret. I regret forgiving him. I regret being with him!! How can I erase that from my mind and from my life? My life is a lot much better than before. Why can't I just forget about my regrets? To be frank, I still hold grudge on him. But I'm not thinking about taking any revenge on him. 

My new bf is my everything. He completes me. He appreciate me so much. It's tough to move on with him actually. But I forced myself because I know he's the one. I thought of being single till graduation. But I know I won't find another guy like him. I made a mistake of leaving A before. I won't repeat the same mistake again. But the love comes naturally it self after a month.

But.. I'm still trauma about everything. I hate myself for that. 

Life is so much peaceful. My mum is happy now. And I got to spend more time with her than before. She's so happy that I left that bastard. And she's happy seeing me happy now. Currently rebuilding everything and pursuing to get a better life ahead.

Memories

The more the memories, the more it hurts.

Press The Pause Button

Life has no pause button to think, to decide, to judge. Life has no rewind nor forward button. Where you are now is exactly what you're doing and what you should do.

And that's where I am right now. I wish that I have the "pause" button to pause and think. Or maybe fast forward it to skip this situation. I am a girl with a broken heart. And this time, it's really for real.

It's not another fight. But it's the end. I think? Well it has to! I looked back so many times. And I keep asking God to give me another chance to erase the regret that has been killing me past few months. And there it is. The chance. To leave.

I don't know the status now. Am I single or am I not? Do I want this or I don't? I want this! Yes! But I don't want this! Damn. Why love h.u.r.t.s?

I want him to be that frog. The one that will be my prince forever. The one who will take care of me. Why does it has to end? I love him. With all my heart. Truly. He's a great boy. But yeah, he's a 'boy'. I need a man to take care of me and love me.

I can't go on with him. I can't take the pain of loving him. But at the same time, I can't live without him. I must make a wise decision so that I will not regret it in the future. For the mean time, I off my phone. But he said that our last call was last call forever.

Our memories in lingering on my mind. And I can't stop myself from imagining him hugging another girl. I really don't want to lose him. He's part of me. He's my soul.

It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye.

It takes a few minutes for us to meet on myspace. It take a few second for him to leave me his number. It takes a few minutes for me to call him and told him that I'm around his area. And it takes less than an hour for him to fall for me. It takes months for him to make me love him. It takes 7 months for me to get him back. It takes a year for us to build a relation. It takes a day for 'us' to cease. It takes hours for him to try to leave me. It takes a second for him to hung up the phone.



I know that when I wake up tomorrow, things would be different. No more morning calls. No more 'I love you, baby.' Or maybe.. 'I miss you so much'..

No more.

This Is So True

=(

Enough Is Just A Word

Yeah.. I kept saying the word "enough" over and over again. But it's just a word in the dictionary because I didn't take any action. Today, he hits me again. He punched me on my stomach. Twice. And I kicked him on his stomach. I was so stupid that I cried out loud. I know.. I shouldn't cry. But it hurts. To accept the fact that between us is going to an end.

I felt empty. I mourn. But it was for the memories we had. It was wonderful. I had a really great time with him. Not. Yeah.. He made me happy but he made me suffer. He had an affair before and I have to watch them for 6 months. For that period I have to pretend that I'm just his friend. How awful is that? After he 'ended' it with that bitch, he still contact her behind my back. And when I found out, he begged me and even kneel down. I was so stupid to forgive him. That was my greatest regret.

You know, I just told my friend that I was scared to suffer alone at home because I'm on semester break. And I don't have car to go out and have fun. Suddenly the workshop called and told me that I can take my car tomorrow! Wow. A sign? Or something to help me from suffering alone? I can chill with my friends. They are all on sem break.

I'm so in love with this book. It helps me a lot eventhough I haven't broke up with him yet.

Open Up

Wuuu I'm so done. Thinking of leaving him again but it seems so wrong. He hits me. Again. Barely walk. I wanna live without him but I don't know if I can. I wanna be without him but he's part of me. I wanna go on but I'm scared.

I know, being with him is so wrong. I can't reach the stars above because he kept pulling my leg because too afraid that I'd go far away from him. He doesn't know that I want him to fly with me to reach the stars. He doesn't want to. But he didn't let me too. That's bad. I know.

"He's violent. Leave him!"
"Break up with him"
"He's a shit ass jerk! You can find a better guy"
"Does he loves you as much as you love him?"
"If he really loves you he wouldn't do that to you!"
"Leave him!"

Everyone said the same things. Everyone. I know I'm stupid. Stupid enough to forgive him after all what he has done.

My best friend told me that hitting me is worse than having an affair. Well, he had an affair. And he even let me know everything. I have to see them 'LOVE' each other. Even help him "pretend" that he loves that girl. Yeah. He asked me to tell that girl that he loves her. He said it was just an act because he loves doing that to that girl. I even let them chatting, webcam-ing, sweet talking infront of me. Asshole!

He hits me a lot of times. The first time when I can't stop shouting because I found out that he texts that girl behind my back saying that he still loves her and that's why he can't move on with me. FUCK!

The 2nd time.. Err I didn't remember. Like I said, a lot of times. But the worst is at Petaling area. He slapped me and kicked me and punched me on my stomach. I have to forgive him before he kills someone.

And the latest one he kicked me on my leg. It hurts! But my heart hurts more. I can't leave him now... For certain reasons.

I didn't regret that we met as it was fate. I didn't regret that I love him as it was nature. But I do regret that I forgave him for the very 1st mistake he made. Having an affair. I regret that the most. Because it was a choice that I can decide. But I decided to be a fool. I made a wrong decision..